Hey there nutty babies.
I've been having a rough few months.
I've been wondering if I should, or should not even share this post with you.
I'm hoping like hell, some of you will chime in and say "Oh Meg, I've been through this! Here's what I did to help and everything will be ok!"
Have I mentioned in the past that I'm very easily stressed out?
Like, if I don't have anything to worry about, I will create something to worry about.
My stresses are (like some of you) money, work, family... the normal, stressful stuff.
Do you all remember our sweet little kitty, Nikita? The one who passed away from a long, prolonged illness (she was a 3 year cancer survivor) last May?
My major stress and anxiety attacks started just as she was being diagnosed with cancer. That was July of 2009.
Throughout her illness, I fought and fought with depression and anxiety. Because, we would lose her, eventually. The thought of that crippled me. I went to Dr's and got on meds. It helped. Some.
Long story... Kita passed away on May 2nd, 2012. We were devastated.
You'd think that would have alleviated most of my fear and anxiety.
But, you'd be mistaken.
You see, the fear and worry has become such a way of life for me... I just refocused my fear and anxiety to other things in my life.
The other 4 kids, Merry and Drew.
Right now I'm struggling.
Since Merry moved in 2 years ago, life at our house has been difficult. To be honest, Drew and I became parents in the blink of an eye.
Let's be clear. Merry is brilliant and wonderful. I love her so very, very much. But, she has many issues. So, she doesn't drive or work. She's pretty much housebound since we live in the middle of nowhere. She's always there. 24/7. She forgets things like you wouldn't believe. She's autistic. She lives in her own little world where only she matters. If any of you out there have an autistic child or sibling, you understand me. Merry has special needs that weren't being addressed. Being responsible for a special needs person is a full-time job! Just trying to deal with the state and doctors ALONE is a full-time job! But, I am bound and determined to make her life better than it's ever been. To get her all the help and benefits she deserves. It's exhausting. And, my local siblings have abandoned us. I'm not going to go into that, but, it's Merry, Drew and I against the world.
I spent a lot of vacation time last week taking her to finally get into see a therapist. See, this is Meg time I'm spending, to get help, for Merry... all of us really. But, these are just the first baby steps. I need to be reassured things will change and get better. But, who can do that? Nobody can foretell the future. Nobody. Not even me.
Okay there, that is me telling you ONE thing that is a major point of anxiety for me.
Here is the other.
My 4 fur kids.
You see. I love them. Like children.
2 of them have pretty serious health issues (Max has heart problems and Mira has several that we try to control), the other 2 are getting up there in age. They all (with the exception of Mira) are overweight. Some, more than others. But, it's an issue I've been trying to get under control (in myself as well.) but I don't seem to be getting anywhere. The thought of having to deal with caring for, and eventually losing them, again, cripples me.
I mean, my mind knows that this is non-negotiable. It's a fact of life. We all die.
But, I lie awake, shivering, not able to breathe. I can't eat... it's affecting my relationship with Drew.
How long can he possibly put up with me being scared and freaked out all the time??
Most of you might say "Get rid of the things that cause you stress!" but, these 'things' aren't going anywhere soon. Well, I did just say I can't predict the future. But, we aren't planning on them going anywhere soon. :-)
I'm seeing Dr's and taking meds... more meds than I want to be taking, to be honest. I don't like taking pills to keep me calm and I'm not very good at remembering to take them. We got the treadmill, but these things aren't making as big of an impact as I had hoped. Eek.
I guess, I just need some word of reassurance and encouragement. That I'm not alone.
If you'd be so brave as to email me, I would be forever grateful. What tings helped you? Did you get past this? Do you still struggle with this? Suggestions??
I'm exhausted physically & mentally. I want to crawl into a cave and not have to deal with these fears. I can't do that. Life has to go on...
Please don't judge me. I'm human. What is normal anyway? We are all weird in our own ways.
I love too much, I worry too much... I'm just Meg. I'm trying my best.